laurenemma95's Blog

So Over The Last Few Weeks Maybe Months I've Not Been Well(Under-The-Weather), And Its Been The Same Symptoms Everyday. I've Been Trying To Hide It From People/ My Family. However Yesterday I Was 'Rumbled' I Guess You Could Say. Now I Have To Register With A New Doctors Surgery And Get Checked..... My Mom And Her Partner Think I Have Diabetes. I've Been Thinking The Same Recently And I Guess We'll Find Out In The Next Few Days.....Im So Scared :/


Anyways I'll Update You When I Find Out 

Hello Every1,

I'm Soo Sorry I Haven't Been Online Much, But I've Had No
Internet Over The Christmas Period. & I've Had Alot Of Stuff To Get My Head Around Recently

I've Also Decided That After Nearly 2 Months That I Will Be Returning To College & Continue My Course, I Have Alot To Catch Up On, But I'm Just Grateful That My Tutor Has Been So UnderStanding & Has Fought To Keep My Place On The Course

For Those Who Dont Know I'am Curently Studying "Child Care, Level 1"...& I Love The Course....Just Wish The Girls On The Course Were More Pleasent. But I Cant Everything, So Im Just Gonna Get On With My Work & Hopefully (Fingers Crossed) I Pass The Course Then On To Level 2.


Personal Life:
I've Just Come Out That Im Offically Bisexual....& Im Getting ALOT Of Comments About It, They Dont "Agree" With My Lifestyle Choice....But Its My Life So I Dont Care!!

Sorry This Is So Long I Just Have 1/2 More Things 2 Say

But In A Few Months I Will Be Moving Down 2 The Coast (SeaSide), & Starting A Fresh, I'll Tell You More When I Know More


Well Thats My Update....More 2 Come.

p.s. I Know Its Late But ................HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012

Hello Every1,

I'm Soo Sorry I Haven't Been Online Much, But I've Had No
Internet Over The Christmas Period. & I've Had Alot Of Stuff To Get My Head Around Recently

I've Also Decided That After Nearly 2 Months That I Will Be Returning To College & Continue My Course, I Have Alot To Catch Up On, But I'm Just Grateful That My Tutor Has Been So UnderStanding & Has Fought To Keep My Place On The Course

For Those Who Dont Know I'am Curently Studying "Child Care, Level 1"...& I Love The Course....Just Wish The Girls On The Course Were More Pleasent. But I Cant Everything, So Im Just Gonna Get On With My Work & Hopefully (Fingers Crossed) I Pass The Course Then On To Level 2.


Personal Life:
I've Just Come Out That Im Offically Bisexual....& Im Getting ALOT Of Comments About It, They Dont "Agree" With My Lifestyle Choice....But Its My Life So I Dont Care!!

Sorry This Is So Long I Just Have 1/2 More Things 2 Say

But In A Few Months I Will Be Moving Down 2 The Coast (SeaSide), & Starting A Fresh, I'll Tell You More When I Know More


Well Thats My Update....More 2 Come.

p.s. I Know Its Late But ................HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012

Poem 1: Sunshine

Who would have thought we'd be best friends?
Who would have known on you I could depend?
Who could have saw it would end so fast?
Now our strong bond remains in the past.
You were there for me as long as it worked for you.
I never realized how much I depended on you.
You've gotten lost in someone who is not worth your time.
I guess along the way I forgot you weren't "mine".
Now the person I thought you were has left my sight...
I swear, I tried so hard to keep us strong, I held with all my might.
When I finally got the nerve to tell you how it made me feel,
you tried to keep your heart from seeing it was real.
You let me walk out of your life and you didn't even know.
I think inside you had convinced yourself I'd never go,
Everyone always says guys and girls can’t be just friends anymore.
We always used to laugh it off; I guess in our hearts we thought we were so sure...
Yet here I am, saying goodbye.
I gave it my all, I had to try,
and though I'm still around and you see me every now and again
soon you'll see... you've lost your best friend.

Poem 2: Feeling Out Of Touch, Maybe I Feel Too Much

Hard to breath
Weird to touch
Acting normal
Think too much

Trying hard
To figure out
Moving onward
Engulfed in doubt

Don't look back
Too much pain
And in fact
Nothing to gain

Filled with knots
Wasted time
A penny for my thoughts
I deserved a dime

Who's to say what's true
I never said I was right
Guess I never knew 
It's not worth the fight

Thinking about before
Don't know who I was
Could have closed the door
And never been an "us"

Said you would stay
Promised you could
Chose to walk away
I knew you would

Everything was fine
Said we'd never part
Knew it was a line
But gave you my heart

I'll take the blame
I've always known
I played your game
You lost alone

I know you know
There's more to give
You were a stepping stone
I have a life to live

Hard to love
Weird to trust
Acting typical
Think it was lust


Poem 3: Walk Away

I watch you walk away from me
And the tears start to fall
I ask myself a million times
How did we lose it all???
For the first time I had no words
that to you I could say
I cling to old memories
And I watch you walk away
I just don't want to let you go
But inside I know I must
My heart's whimpering with pain
But it's my mind I trust
There's confusion around me
There's numbness in my heart
But looking at you walk away
My world just fell apart
If only I could handle it
And bear to just say
I'd use my breath and say the words

Don't Walk Away!!!

 

Poem 1:

Best friends stick together till the end,
They are like a straight line that will not bend.

They trust each other forever,
No matter if your apart you are together.

They can be your hero and save the day,
They will never leave your side they are here to stay.

They help you up when you fall,
Your true friends are best of all.

Poem 2: 

A smile is cheer from you to me,
the cost is nothing its given for free.
They console the weary and gladden the sad.
And can make someone happy when they are mad.
Unlike blessings in which we pray 
its the only thing you keep when you give it away.

 

 

I’ve stayed in the front yard all my life.

I want a peek at the back

here it’s rough and untended and hungry weed grows.

A girl gets sick of a rose.

 

I want to go in the back yard now

and maybe down the alley,

to where the charity children play.

I want a good time today.

 

They do some wonderful things.

They have some wonderful fun.

My mother sneers, but I say it’s fine

how they don’t have to go in at quarter to nine.

My mother, she tells me that Johnnie Mae

will grow up to be a bad woman.

That George’ll be taken to Jail soon or late

(on account of last winter he sold our back gate).

 

But I say it’s fine. Honest, I do.

And I’d like to be a bad woman, too,

and wear the brave stockings of night-black lace

and strut down streets with paint on my face.

Depression is not new 

To me: the demons settle comfortably

Into my cloudy mind

And brain, gently draping

My shoulders with the burden

Of their chains. They veil

My eyes and dam my ears

And lock my tongue

So I won't complain. They work

From within: rending

Silver linings, freezing

My love, stealing

My smile, hiding

My hope. They sow

Desperation and desolation.

Then, with my inner light,

They cast their shadows

Onto the ground before

Me, until I withdraw

Into dimness and despair

To escape.

They play hide-and-seek

With my thoughts, peek-a-boo

With my soul, and patty-cake

With my heart until 

The only way to exorcise

Them is to cut them out

Of my body, butchering

Myself.

But Paxil is a pink 

Pill, a good pill, and it

Neutralizes

The hellish light of the demons

Until they flee, 

And then I'm left

With only

Me.

A sweet, calm smile rests on my face, 
But if you stare into my eyes
Storm cloud billow and churn
Tears glaze like rainy skies

I haven't seen the sun
Since I don't  know when
A misty gray shroud
Blocks and clouds my vision.

My life's been taken over 
By a sadistic grandfather clock
Time haunts and taunts me,
There's no way to keep up.

But if you ask me how I've been
Invariably I'll look up and grin; 
For what more is there to say
Besides, "Oh, I'm OK."

I'm sinking, I'm sinking
Hell is reaching out to me
I'm clawing, I'm struggling
I'm screaming
Nobody sees me
I'm sinking
Hell is calling out to me
Voices swirl
I hear my name
I'm caught in a tar pit
I'm sinking
Nobody sees, Faces mock me, Swimming
I close my eyes;
I hear the devils roar
I'm sinking
Why do they think
This is  just a game?
I'm sinking,
I'm sinking fast
My time has come
Hell beckons, Hell's calling
I can see flames
I Can feel the fire
My ankles are caught
There's no escape
The tar laps at my knees
I'm sinking
He's dragging me away
I'm clawing, I'm struggling
I'm screaming
Nobody hear's me 
I'm sinking
I'm sinking

Another day dawns, 
Just like yesterday.
I squint my eyes into the light
Then roll over, 
My face to the wall.

Why did they build my bedroom
To face east,
So each day dawning
Wakes me from my stupor?
My eyes burn
As I study my wrist.

If I had a knife,
A sharp knife,
I'd embed the tip
At the line
Where palm and wrist meet.

The blood would well up
As the purple and blue
Arteries and veins
Severed.

The knife would slide
To my elbow,
The blood spilling
Red-
Erupting rhythmically
To the excited tempo of my heart,
Slowly fading
As time for me
Ceased.

More blood would flow,
Smoothly spreading
From my arm, 
Seeping into my white bedspread, 
Until the puddle,
Stained my mattress
If only I had the energy 
To find a knife

One cut, two cut, Old cut, new cut.

I walk wearing a shirt that covered my chest,
I wear bands and bracelets to cover the rest.
I cover me legs, and I cover my neck.
Underneath of the clothes is a horrible wreck.
I go home everyday to relieve all the stress.
The scars are one reason for the modest dress.
I cut and I cut and don’t wish to stop soon.
I cut at seven o’clock, eight o’clock, and at noon.
I slit once for her mom, and once for my dad.
I slit once for the happiness that I never had.
I will cut once for you- 1cut and 2, old cuts and new.